Chapter 23 is titled‘Romantic relationships, marriage proposals and dreams of destiny’, but I kind of reworded it. I have also redrafted quite a bit with my takeaway from this section. Again, get a copy of the book so you can pick up yourtakeaways 😊
From the title, I think almost every married person for at least 20 years or a little less has a fair understanding of where this conversation is going.
When you’reyoung, as much as you’ve been raised by the Quran and the Sunnah, you’re inundated when it comes to what is expected from the opposite gender.
As women, you’ll grow up and get married – the relationship is going to be with your great beloved one.
As men, responsibility and, finally, the freedom to be with a woman you like, and who loves you.
But as you go into the universities and the colleges, and in some cases secondary schools, your phones, romance books and the world of fantasy convince you of deeper ‘meaningful’ relationships that you can have right away. You know, the ones that you defy everybody; the man/woman understands you like nobody else does. You, the woman, finally find somebody who likes you; he has this deep, husky voice and tells you all these great things. You throw caution to the wind and get physical, fall in love, and everything works out, and you run into the sunset, picture perfect and probably get married when you’re 17 or 18 years.
Back in the day, it was brought to us via peer pressure, but these days it’s thrown in your face in living colour, TikTok shorts, your friend down the road and…it’s never a conventional tale either. Now there is so much more in the world of relationships that is messy, addictive, sick and not just about sex. It’s a struggle for every young person and has begun to redefine pre-marital time much earlier than expected.
What does the Quran say about the private parts?
About the friendship between men and women?
Let’s start with the basics. The conventional.
In our deen, there is no friendship, casual or otherwise, with either gender till the knot is tied.
Our young people get carried away with the process of having ‘some’ contact and trying to keep it as halal as possible. ‘It’s just a phone call’, “We’re just classmates’, “She needs help with her math’, “Our families are friends’ …the list is endless. Let’s face it, it’s allinnocent till it falls into something unexplainable.
We implore our young men and women to lower their gazes and protect their private parts. This includes digital. It has become an addiction and the fastest way to feed impulses, desires and destroy control in all ramifications of life.
Allah says that fasting and prayer will help us stay steadfast from committing the sins of intercourse and fornication. If you have to go from one salat to another, and each time you’re calling upon your Lord and doing something that He does not like, it must make you feel really guilty going to pray. Fasting trains your abstinence muscles, ramps up ibaadah and piety. We know this just from the 30 days of the blessed month, so maketheseclose companions.
Try to surround yourself with the kind of friends who can support you with this.That have the same values and help deter you from these things. And a large number of them, alhamdullilah, will be Muslim.
Remove yourself from the environment and people who will play this down as ‘the norm’, ‘not a big deal’, etc etc. Girls who will convince their gender that it’s just to ‘chop his money’, that’s all. Boys will convince their gender that it’s ok, ‘she’s not the one you’re going to marry’ and all that. Or worse, ‘it’s not with anybody but a sex toy’, ‘a movie’, ‘an addiction’, ‘it’s not hurting anyone and is keeping you from misbehaving’. The stories go on.
That’s on the pre-marital side of things. Then, we have the marriage proposal. We’ve kept ourselves chaste, stayed true to Allah as much as we can, as tough as it is, and now we’re looking for someone to get married. Enter the proposal.
The woman is conflicted about keeping her chastity while she’s being checked out. Can I go hang out with him like a kind of date before I know who he is? Danger!
The man has been asked by our Prophet, sallallahualayhiwasallam, to be guided by four traits when choosing a wife, of which the best is piety. But, somehow, you’re convinced to take this ‘pious’ woman out, spend time with her and of course ask everyone who’s met her, however briefly in her childhood, what she’s like. Keeping to the etiquette of spaces goes out the window in the finding phase. All is fair now, isn’t it?
So, can we talk on the phone? Don’t. This can also move on to heaven forbid, conversations you shouldn’t be having alone with a member of the opposite gender.
Some parents also don’t help matters. Families come over, have this ‘agreement’, you’re going to get married to somebody, and then grant the would-be spouses to do as they please. Go be with each other, it’s all good. You’ll be husband and wife soon. And then before the marriage even comes to pass, you both change your minds, right? My older peeps, yes or yes?
My brothers and sisters, the marriage proposal stage is still a stage of chastity. Don’t go thinking, ‘In our culture, the woman has to get pregnant before marriage so we can check how fertile she is.’ Subhanallah! These are not the ways of the deen.
Our ways are that your parents and other well-meaning adults check out a potential suitor, they confirm you like the person, in the confines of this Deen, with a mahram around for the woman. And once you’ve both made your istikharah, get married as soon as possible.
While you wait for this auspicious time😊, i.e the proposal, learn more about yourself. If you’re a Muslim brother or sister who has only had social media, books and gist on how to run a marriage, or how to be intimate with your spouse, this might be the time for you to be talking to an elderly person, a counselling unit, and learning exactly what it takes. The intricate matters of building a family and raising a home cannot be learnt all at once, and even though experience is the greatest teacher, like every test, one must prepare from the inside out, not the other way round.
Now the wedding. For Allah’s sake, let your wedding be one of goodness. Not one that runs into weeks, lavishing money, and not inviting the poor to it. Let it be devoid of free mixing as much as possible, music, or haram. Try to make the beginning of your marriage one of purity and goodness. The wedding ceremony is but a small part of this.
Now marriage proper. These days, our youth are terrified of the union. They want to be with someone who cherishes them, but the horror stories we seniors have had to share of abuse, neglect, selfishness, suffering, broken homes and eventually broken children, have made many of them run in the opposite direction.
Here’s my 2 cents on this beautiful sunnah.
Once we enter into marriage, all those beautiful stories you’ve heard about will not just fall into place. A marriage is a joining of two people who are completely different. They don’t know each other. They’re not family. You two are trying to create one, and to do that you have to work at it. To create your bed of roses, beautiful and red, remember there are green leaves and thorns underneath supporting those roses. You’re enriching and cultivating together. Everybody is giving, everybody is compromising, but the beautiful thing is that you’re doing it with the Quran and Sunnah as a base.
There will be hard times, there will be tough times, there will be decisions to be made, but the red roses that everybody sees, the beautiful scents, roses you will hopefully enjoy, take work.
It takes work.
It takes work.
Every beautiful marriage you see has had a lot of hard work thrown in. Your parents worked to get there. And truth be told, you saw some of that as you grew up. It might be the basis for your thoughts about marriage, true. Don’t let it be. Not entirely. Your parents’ marriage is not yours. Neither is your friend’s. You decide what kind of marriage you want. Learn about it. From the Quran and Sunnah. Share it with your chosen spouse and together work for it. It will blossom ruby red, insha Allah.
Never forget, though, that sometimes, no matter how hard people work, it may be that Allah has willed that the union will come to an end. Make your istikhara, make your dua, and no matter what happens in the relationship from the beginning to the end, try as much as possible to put Allah first.
Another word of advice, as part of the struggle, do not be blinded by the laws of the world, indecencies, greedor the lust of the flesh. All of that will be a thing of the past when you meet your Lord. You want to meet your Lord in the cleanest of states. If you’ve ever fallen with a thought, a compromise, a bribe, a glance, with your tongue, or loins, know that your Lord is the one who forgives. Repent sincerely and continue to strive for His pleasure so that He’ll forgive you and grant you success in this relationship that is closer than a garment.
Inshallah, on the day of Qiyamah, we will all be pleased with Him.
